My name is S ....and alhumdilillah (all praise be to Allah) my hijab liberated me, it made me who I am and it saved me. It gave me an identity I craved, it comforted me and yes it empowered me! Now I feel nothing is impossible and I can conquer the world! I am superwoman!
This is dedicated to all my loved ones, my special people- my family, my friends, and my sisters in islam.

Question is are you #TeamHijab or #TeamNoHijab? Im neither and here is my story.

Growing up in East London I could have been easily labelled as the typical east London pakistani girl. Music, fashion, hints of the pakistani culture, confused by the western influences, family pressures and islam here and there in life.

However, there is always more to what meets the eye. I was bought up by a mother who was born and bred in London and a father who was from back home (Pakistan). My childhood consisted of a mixture of western/pakistani/muslim upbringing.  I was utterly confused! I did not really have an identity as it was all so mixed up.

Both parents worked full time therefore I spent a lot of time with childminders and in the holidays with my dear nan. I did the usual learning Quran as a child but this was seen more as a task to me then a quest to seek knowledge and see how beautiful my religion actually was. That love came at a later age. Aside from learning the Quran, participating in ramadhan and celebrating eid I had no other awareness for islam. I had no idea what hijab was as a child and saw it more as a cultural thing. I would be embarrassed seeing school friends if I was wearing shalwar kameez let alone a scarf on my head. I thought thats what the elder ladies wore eg my nan. Basically I had no idea. 

The first time I actually thought about hijab and gave it a second thought was when a close friend decided to wear it in secondary school. We were 13 at the time and I was in utter shock, why was she wearing it, I just did not understand why she would do such a thing. I then carried on living my life, not giving it another thought. I did not pray unless it was ramadhan and sadly did not give my religion much importance. All I knew was my nan was a pious lady, she prayed all the time but this never compelled me towards islam. Sadly my youth was wasted on inrelevant things such as music, fashion and trends. I then continued schooling life, college and enjoying myself with friends.

However, slowly I became more drawn to islam when I started university. Something urged me to seek knowledge, I had friends who were more into islam and this encouraged me. Once I embarked on this journey of seeking knowledge I did not want to stop and that love grew every day.  However at this point I was still not praying regularly, I was much more aware of hijab but I still had no urge to start covering.

At the age of 22 is when wearing hijab and the thought of it entered my mind, however sadly I could still not see myself wearing it. I admired ladies and girls who did wear it but I still did not have enough of an inclination towards it. I was praying regularly now, and my faith was stronger then before. I carried on some more and when I hit 23 I began to think more and more about hijab, but still did not act upon it.  No one in my family covered and it just was not the norm therefore I put that to one side and carried on seeking knowledge for the next few years which flew by.

I always felt something was missing but nonetheless carried on and was fascinated by fashion, killer heels and make up and this distracted me from thinking about the notion of hijab. I knew it was fardh (obligatory) but I ignored it. I would look at girls who wore hijab and admire them.

I then came to a point in my life where I really did want to wear hijab but came up with the usual silly excuses eg 'what will people say', 'what about my hair', 'I wont look nice', 'my wardrobe will need to be changed, everything will change'. That inner voice sadly won once again and I felt hugely disappointed in myself becauae I was at a point where I wanted to wear it, I felt ashamed, my heart yearned the courage to do it.  I used to make dua to Allah and ask him for the courage to take that plunge.

Then came ramadhan 2011 where I attempted to wear it and failed miserably. Those inner voices again got the better of me. I gave up after a few days and felt extremely disappointed with myself. I failed.

The following year I prepared myself and said no matter what I would wear it, I prayed to Allah for courage and read inspirational stories online about other muslimahs and their hijab journey. Little did i know that today i would be writing my own story. As empowering as those stories were I still felt I would not be able to do this therefore kept asking Allah for help in this matter. I also had special friends who would encourage me and make me see the importance of it which helped a great deal. However that discouraging inner voice in my head did not go away.  It stayed stayed, but I continued to pray and seek help from the Almighy.

Ramadhan 2012 was here, this is where it all happened......finally! I was confused and uncertain as I told myself I would do this no matter what. I sat and contemplated, I made excuses for example; 'my wardrobe isnt suitable for someone who will wear a scarf' (that's another article in itself) "what will colleagues say' ' my family will be shocked as no one else covers' 'do I really even need to cover'. I then prayed and again asked Allah. It was bed time and tommorow was the day I was either going to let myself down once again or do what was fardh and what I desired to do. I had a dream which pushed me to wear hijab that night alhumdilillah. I woke up and got ready as normal and put my hijab on. It sounds simple but I was very nervous and afraid of reactions but I walked into work and that was it!!!!I had done it!!! Finally I conquered that inner voice! I was so happy with myself and grateful to Allah for helping me achieve what my heart desired for what seemed like ages. So you now think that's it? No. Not so simple at all. I had the usual comments at work: 'are you getting married' 'why are you wearing that' 'what about your beautiful hair, its your main feature' 'I see that as a barrier' 'why are you oppressing yourself'. These comments were to be expected and did not bother me at all, they neither encouraged or discouraged me. The comment that touched my heart and encouraged me was from a non muslim colleague who said 'im proud of you- keep it up well done'. I was amazed at the positivity and this really did encourage me. A non Muslim encouraging me? I never imagined that but it was heart warming.

Now the dealing with work task over. The extended family was next- they were shocked and did not understand, some put it down to fashion, some said it was great and some said it was pointless. None of this discouraged me as I knew this was a commandment from Allah and not about people. I was here to please the creator and not the creation.

People see hijab as oppression but am I not a fine example of how it is not opression in the slightest? Hijab has given me happiness, confidence and liberation.  I do not have a single regret, please do not get me wrong, I have such a long way to go and dressing modestly to please my lord, my creator, my Allah brings me contentment.  I am judged on my ability and Intellect rather then on how luscious my hair is or how long my legs are.  I am independant, educated and free. Not oppressed in the slightest.  No one made me wear hijab, I chose this for myself and have not looked back since. Hijab is beautiful, modesty/hayah is beautiful and islam is beautiful. Its where my heart belongs.

  There will always be ignorant comments from people who are muslim and non muslim eg 'what is the point in her wearing hijab when she is wearing so and so'. These comments are ignorance and no one should be disheartened or put off hijab by such comments. Im sure these people mean no harm but fail to realise that we are not here to judge one another.  If your heart is pure the outside slowly starts to take care of itself.  We cannot see what is in someone elses heart and we do not know their intentions or struggles therefore one should focus on oneself first before looking at others.

Wearing the hijab is like a journey, it is not easy, you will struggle,you will be judged but as your imaan increases so does your desire to dress modestly. Imaan goes up and down, criticisms come and go, and lifes tests continue. Wearing hijab gives you a confidence you never had, however at the same time can be challenging. What I can say is since I wore it I have never had a single regret alhumdulillah and for me it justs gets easier. I thank Allah for helping me, my friends, family and colleagues for supporting me and I thank all sisters who encouraged me. We are here solely to worship Allah, judging one and another is  unnecessary and helps no one, we should all support each other in our goal which is to be granted Jannah. Allah knows what is in our hearts <3  That is my story and I have not looked back since. My hijab, my life, my freedom.